The fruit trilogy
by gem6519
Summary: Lois has a craving for a banana. She is NOT pregnant. This is just a silly little thing that made me almost bust a gut laughing. This installment is rated K , but the remaining two installments are rated M.
1. Yes, we have no bananas

**A/N: ** One morning I was having a conversation with an online friend and I happened to mention that I had a banana with breakfast that morning. He thought I was being cruel, so I looked on the internet to see if I could find a song about bananas. This one caught my eye and I thought it would be funny to do a one-shot song fic about it. It was very difficult to not bust a gut laughing because I was at the library at the time.

**YES, WE HAVE NO BANANAS**

It all started with a banana.

Lois and I had just finished dinner when she asked me what we were having for dessert. Well I told her that we were going to have some ice cream and some of the cookies my mother sent me in her latest care package. But for some reason that's not what she wanted. So I asked what it was she really wanted.

She wanted a banana.

Well I didn't have any bananas. So I asked her what was wrong with the ice cream and cookies. She rolled her eyes and said there was nothing wrong with them. But she just had a craving for bananas. And being the amazing boyfriend I am, I super sped to the grocery store to get some bananas for my also amazing girlfriend who…pardon the pun…drives me bananas sometimes. But guess what? They were out of bananas. Can you believe that? They were OUT of bananas.

I knew that she would be annoyed with me if I came back home and didn't have any bananas. So I went to Metropolis and went to another store and they were out of bananas too. Now I was really starting to get a little annoyed. How hard could it be to find one freaking banana?

So I went to another store and they were out of bananas too. Now this is getting ridiculous. What the hell is going on here? Why am I having such a hard time finding bananas? Now I'm swearing to myself and I don't usually swear.

That's when I super sped back to Smallville and went over to Chloe and Jimmy's apartment. I asked her if I could use her computer for a minute. So she gladly let me use her lap top. I sat down and did a little research. Well I found out why I couldn't find any bananas. Apparently the company that imports them from overseas is having a problem. Or is it exports? I always get those two mixed up. So that's why I couldn't find any bananas.

Sounds crazy doesn't it?

Well now I have to go home to my girlfriend and tell her that there were no bananas anywhere. So I went back to the farm and walked in the door empty-handed. She was sitting at the kitchen table drumming her fingers on the table. When she saw I had nothing in my hands, she asked me where the bananas were. So I had to tell her the whole story. She was very quiet for a couple minutes. But do you know what she said next?

She wanted me to go to Brazil and get some bananas.

I couldn't believe it. She wants me to go all the way to Brazil just to get one lousy banana. She said she wanted two bananas – not one. Then she hit me with something else. She told me that until she had that banana in her hand, I was not going to see her 'melons' tonight – or any other night. So what did I do? You guessed it.

I went to Brazil and got her those two bananas.

I walked in the door and stopped short at the sight of her. She was sitting on the table with her legs crossed with her arms behind her and resting on her hands for support. She was wearing satin tap pants with a matching lacy camisole. And to top it off she was wearing her bunny slippers. If I didn't think she looked sexy before well...those bunny slippers really did it for me.

She was very happy to see the bag in my hand. So I handed it to her and she took them out; placing one of them next to her on the table. I asked her why she wanted two of them. She told me that one was for me. So I reached over for the one she put to the side and she pushed my hand away. When I asked her why she did that, she replied it wasn't time for me to have my banana yet.

I was about to say something when she began to peel the banana in her hand. I was practically mesmerized by how she slowly pulled down the peel half-way down the banana. Then she reached behind her and pulled out a jar of caramel sauce. My eyes just about bulged out of their sockets when she dipped the tip of the banana into the sauce and then slowly lowered her mouth over it. Yep. I was thinking what you think I was thinking.

I wish I were that damn banana.

I had to sit down. I just couldn't keep my eyes off her as that banana went into her mouth; inch by delicious inch until half of it was in there. And to make matters worse, she was umming and ahhing the whole time; torturing me with how much she was enjoying sucking on that banana. I could feel 'Clark Jr.' waking up with a vengeance. It took all the self-control I have to not to squeeze myself. Then it happened.

She bit the banana in half.

Well she just about killed me with that one. Then she began to slowly chew it. And when I say she was chewing it...well...let's just say that she definitely savored every bite. Then she swallowed it. She then proceeded to devour the rest of the banana; laying the peel down on the table and slowly licking her fingers.

She looked down at me and smiled. Then she picked up the other banana and extended it towards me. So I took it from her and peeled the whole thing. I was about to start eating it when she reached out and grabbed my wrist. She asked me to hold on for one moment. Now I was a little confused. Why would she want me to hold on? But I got my answer a second later.

She pulled her camisole off and showed me her melons.

I forgot all about the banana and...well...I think you can figure out what happened next.

I like bananas. But I love melons.

**THE END.**

**YES, WE HAVE NO BANANAS TODAY – SPIKE JONES**

There's a fruit store on our street  
It's run by a Greek  
And he keeps good things to eat But you should hear him speak!  
When you ask him anything, he never answers "no"  
He just "yes"es you to death, and as he takes your dough He tells you  
"Yes, we have no bananas  
We have-a no bananas today  
We've string beans, and onions  
Cabashes, and scallions,  
And all sorts of fruit and say  
We have an old fashioned tomato  
A Long Island potato But yes, we have no bananas  
We have no bananas today

Business got so good for him that he wrote home today,  
"Send me Pete and Nick and Jim; I need help right away"  
When he got them in the store, there was fun, you bet  
Someone asked for "sparrow grass" and then the whole quartet  
All answered "Yes, we have no bananas  
We have-a no bananas today  
Just try those coconuts  
Those wall-nuts and doughnuts  
There ain't many nuts like they  
We'll sell you two kinds of red herring,  
Dark brown, and ball-bearing  
But yes, we have no bananas  
We have no bananas today"

He, he, he, he, ha, ha, ha whatta you laugh at?  
You gotta soup or pie?  
Yes, I don't think we got soup or pie  
You gotta coconut pie?  
Yes, I don't think we got coconut pie  
Well I'll have one cup a coffee  
We gotta no coffee  
Then watta you got?  
I got a banana!  
Oh you've got a banana!

Yes, we gotta no banana, No banana, No banana, I tell you we gotta no banana today  
I sella you no banana  
Hey, Mary Anna, you gotta... gotta no banana?  
Why this man, he's no believe-a what I say… no… he no believe me…  
Now whatta you wanta mister? You wanna buy twelve for a quarter?  
Well, just a one of a look, I'm gonna call for my daughter  
Hey, Mary Anna You gotta piana  
Yes, a banana, no  
Yes, we gotta no bananas today!

The new English "clark" (a.k.a. "clerk"):  
Yes, we are very sorry to inform you  
That we are entirely out of the fruit in question  
The afore-mentioned vegetable Bearing the cognomen "Banana"  
We might induce you to accept a substitute less desirable,  
But that is not the policy at this internationally famous green grocery  
I should say not. No no no no no no no  
But may we suggest that you sample our five o'clock tea  
Which we feel certain will tempt your pallet?  
However we regret that after a diligent search  
Of the premises By our entire staff  
We can positively affirm without fear of contradiction  
That our raspberries are delicious; really delicious  
Very delicious But we have no bananas today.


	2. Bananas and caramel and melons, oh my!

**SUMMARY: **This is a continuation of the one-shot I posted in the Clark and Lois forum called _Yes, we have no bananas_.

**BANANAS AND CARAMEL AND MELONS, OH MY!**

Who'd have thought that a night of hot sex started because of a banana? But I digress.

I know I said that you could figure it out for yourself what happened next, but what's the fun in that? So let me tell you what really happened next.

Like I said, I was a little confused when she asked me not to eat my banana yet. But I got the answer I was hoping for a second later when she pulled off her camisole and showed me her melons.

Yep. Those sweet melons I've tasted before.

I may like bananas with breakfast, but I LOVE melons for dessert. Yummy.

She placed her hands underneath each breast and started bouncing them up and down. It was pure torture watching her do that to herself. And 'Clark Jr.' was now fully awake. I know she noticed because she licked her lips and said that she had another use for the caramel sauce.

I thought she had killed me earlier when she bit the banana in half, but the implication of what she was saying now finished me off. I slumped in my chair as if I had been shot; lowering my hand hoping to relieve the pressure that was building within me. But Lois had other ideas.

Her foot reached out and pressed against my crotch.

First the banana and now her foot. Her bunny-slipper covered foot. She sure knows how to get me going all right. I continued to stare wide-eyed at her as her foot pressed against me. I couldn't stop a groan from escaping my lips. And you won't believe what she was doing at the same time.

She was pinching and pulling on her own nipples.

If I didn't know any better, I would swear there was green kryptonite lying around because I was frozen to my chair. I couldn't move. The only part of my body that was even capable of movement was at this moment being teased by that bunny slipper.

Her foot continued to press against my crotch. The way her foot was stroking 'Clark Jr.' was causing all kinds of very pleasurable sensations within me. I tried to ignore the building pressure by focusing my eyes on her face instead of her breasts, but once again she bested me.

She swiped her tongue all around her lips and licked off the few remaining drops of caramel sauce.

All I could think of at that point is how much I wanted that tongue of hers to lick the caramel sauce off me. I didn't know how much more of this I could take. Then she removed her foot and hopped off the table; kneeling down in front of me. She lowered her mouth and took the zipper pull in her teeth. I couldn't believe my eyes when she slowly pulled it all the way down. She had never done that before.

She lifted my arms up in the air, then proceeded to pull my tee-shirt up over my arms; tossing it on to the floor. Then she reached behind her and grabbed that jar of caramel sauce; dipping her fingers into it. So what do you think happened next?

She spread that caramel sauce all over my nipples and proceeded to lick it off. After that, she pulled off my pants and poured some more of that sauce on my banana. I couldn't stop myself from gasping as her tongue began to nibble it off me. Her fingers gripped my ass as she devoured every last drop of that caramel sauce. I started moaning even louder when she lightly blew up and down my banana.

I swear I didn't think I could take much more. That's when she lowered her mouth and completely took it all in. My fists started pounding on the edge of the chair as her mouth continued to move up and down; squeezing like there was no tomorrow. I can tell you right now that the climax I had was THE most intense I've ever had. But she wasn't finished. Nope. She did one more thing after that.

She poured some more of that caramel sauce on one of my nuts and took it in her mouth.

Yep. She swirled her tongue and nibbled on it like crazy. Her fingers gripped my other nut and squeezed it while she had the other one in that sexy mouth of hers.

I couldn't take it anymore. She was driving me out of my mind like only she could. So I did the only thing I could think of. I lifted her up by the waist and plopped her back down on the table; pulling the satin tap pants off her.

I picked up the second banana and smashed it within my fingers. That's when she asked me why I ruined a perfectly good banana. Oh I answered her alright.

I promptly took that mashed banana and spread it all over her body; from her full and perky melons to her forbidden fruit.

I pulled up the kitchen chair in front of her and sat down. And I began to eat the banana she wouldn't let me eat before. I licked every bit of banana off her chest; flicking her nipples with my tongue. She could not stop moaning as my mouth sucked greedily from her succulent melons. Like I said before, it was yummy.

Then I made my way down to her forbidden fruit; lifting her legs until her knees were resting on my shoulders and lapping up every bit of banana I could find. Oh yeah, I just couldn't get enough. Then I inserted my fingers inside her 'forbidden fruit' and promptly began to thrust them inside her. It drove her absolutely crazy. She couldn't stop writhing on top of the table; her fingers gripping the edge of the table as her legs pushed against my back.

Yep. I just love to eat forbidden fruit.

Then her back arched off the table as she climaxed; moaning and screaming. I expected her to scream out my name. But nooooo. That's not what she screamed out.

She screamed out that she loves bananas.

I stood up and stared at her; dumbfounded by what she just said. What the hell was that? She was supposed to scream out my name like she has a million times already. But instead she screams out that she loves bananas. It was the weirdest thing I've ever heard. I wondered what to do next. I had just brought my girlfriend to a mind-blowing orgasm and she screams out about loving bananas.

Then she opened her eyes and saw me standing there staring at her. She actually had the nerve to ask me why I was staring at her. I told her that I couldn't believe what she just said. She looked at me as if I were nuts. Me? Nuts? So I reminded her that she just screamed that she loves bananas instead of me. And you know what she said?

She said that I should lighten up. That I shouldn't take it so seriously.

That's when my inner Kal came out. I pulled her to the edge of the table and wrapped her legs around my waist. She was startled to say the least when I poured some of that caramel sauce on her melons and proceeded to suck it off as I slid into her and started thrusting inside her forbidden fruit.

I was on a mission to make her scream out my name instead of bananas. So I kept at it; penetrating my banana deeper and deeper into her forbidden fruit and hitting those forbidden walls.

I got my wish all right. She finally screamed out my name as she climaxed; her body arching off the table. But then another weird thing happened when I had my climax.

I screamed out that I loved melons.

I couldn't believe it. I was just upset with her for screaming out that she loved bananas. And what did I do? I did the same thing about melons.

So there we were; staring at each other for what seemed like the longest time. Then she began to laugh. Then I began to laugh. We couldn't stop laughing. We were laughing so hard that we were crying.

That's my Lois. She always finds the humor in even the most ridiculous situation. What can I say? I love melons and she loves bananas. But do you know what the best part was? She still had on her bunny slippers.

I just love bunnies.

**THE END. **


	3. Strawberry, Bananas, Watermelon

**STRAWBERRY, BANANAS, WATERMELON****  
**

**SUMMARY: **Clark and Lois are going to a picnic and have to bring a fruit salad with them. This is the final sequel to _Yes, we have no bananas today _and _Bananas and caramel and melons, oh my!_

**DISCLAIMER: **Somebody online suggested using strawberries and kielbasa. I found a song about kielbasas, but it was just too graphic. I did find this one that mentioned strawberries.

**ENJOY!**

Do you remember the problem I had finding bananas for Lois? If so, then you must also remember what happened with the caramel sauce and melons later on. Well, that's not the end of the story. Let me tell you about it.

Not long after that, Lois and I were invited to a picnic that Chloe and Jimmy were having on the grounds of the former Luthor mansion. Yes, I said former. You're probably wondering why on earth they would have it there. Since Lex has gone underground and Tess Mercer is no longer involved with Luthorcorp, Oliver decided to buy the property as an investment. So when Jimmy and Chloe approached him about having it there, he of course couldn't say no.

Lois immediately volunteered us to bring a fruit salad; which is downright dangerous if you ask me. Lois should not be anywhere near a kitchen. The only time she should be in one is if I were having her for dessert. She tastes really good with caramel sauce all over that forbidden fruit of hers. Yummy.

Where was I? Oh yeah. The fruit salad. Of course I'll have to be the one to prepare it. I decided to start getting it ready as early as possible. I was going to use my super-speed but decided it would be more fun to do it the old fashioned way.

So there I was in the middle of slicing those strawberries when Lois enters the kitchen wearing one of the sexiest sundresses I've ever seen. I wasn't watching what I was doing and the knife hit my finger. Of course it broke in half. But I didn't pay attention to that. I was pleasantly distracted by how that sundress clung to her shapely figure in all the right places. Of course the outfit was accentuated by the high strappy sandals she wore on those sexy feet of hers.

She walks over to where I was sitting and picks up a strawberry. She slips the tip of it and slowly slides it into her mouth. I was so jealous of that strawberry that I decided I was going to do something about it. I walked over to the refrigerator but couldn't find that damn jar of caramel sauce. I did find a dish of chocolate pudding though. I walked back to the table and set the dish upon it. I picked up another strawberry and dipped it into that chocolate pudding. I slipped it into my mouth and slowly chewed it; closing my eyes and moaning softly as I devoured that strawberry.

I watched her out of the corner of my eye as I ate that strawberry. She was definitely getting all hot and bothered. I could hear her heartbeat accelerate. It was music to my ears. She sat down on the kitchen counter and crossed her legs; her dress sliding up above her knees.

I confess that I was a bad boy. I used my x-ray vision to see whether or not she was going commando. And to my delight she was. But she doesn't know I know. I picked up that dish of pudding and walked over to where she was sitting. I set it down next to her and dipped another strawberry into it, then held it up to her mouth; lightly tracing her lips with it. Her eyes closed as my tongue lapped up every drop of that pudding; her head tilting backwards.

I was about to kiss her on her neck when I spotted the bananas I had bought the day before. I picked up one and slowly peeled it. She opened her eyes when I stopped kissing her; looking at me curiously. I took that banana and dipped it into the pudding. Then I held it up to her mouth and she willingly opened it; allowing me to slip it inside. She made some delicious sounding moans as she took in that banana. It made me want to...never mind.

I slipped the spaghetti straps of her dress down her arms, then pushed down the top of her dress. So what do you think I did next? I'll tell you what I did next.

I used some of that chocolate pudding and licked it off her succulent melons.

Now THAT was yummy.

She couldn't stop the moans from escaping those luscious lips of hers that looked as pink as the watermelon I had bought for the fruit salad. Which gave me another idea. I reached over for a couple pieces of that juicy fruit and brought it to her lips; allowing the juice to drip down her neck and through the valley between those succulent melons. I lowered her dress even more as the juice continued to drip down towards her stomach. I finally had to remove her dress completely. What else could I do? I didn't want her dress ruined.

I knelt down on the floor in front of her and used more of that chocolate pudding on her forbidden fruit. She was arching her back and writhing like mad when I licked that pudding off her. And she came so hard that she nearly fell off the counter.

I just love chocolate pudding.

But that wasn't the last of the chocolate pudding. Nope. Not by a long shot. When she finally recovered, she slipped off the counter and dragged me to my feet. Then she pushed me up against the sink and pulled down my pants. Well you could imagine what she did next.

She used the rest of that chocolate pudding and licked it off my banana.

We never did make it to that picnic. What can I say? We had the kind of fruit salad that you just can't have at a picnic. Lois did have one regret about not going to the picnic though. She was really looking forward to having some of that kielbasa - but was more than happy with the strawberries, bananas, and watermelon.

So there you have it. If you ask Jimmy and Chloe why we were a no-show, they would tell you that Lois had a bad case of food poisoning. But you can really blame it all on the strawberries, bananas, and watermelon.

And let's not forget the chocolate pudding too.

**STRAWBERRY, BANANAS, WATERMELON****  
****Sung to: "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star"  
****  
**Strawberries, bananas, watermelon too;  
Good for me and good for you!  
They are tasty; they are sweet.  
All are such a yummy treat.  
Strawberries, bananas, watermelon too;  
Good for me and good for you!

Song from Preschool Education, .com


End file.
